I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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