Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
