On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
