The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
