my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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