He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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