Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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