I haven't been this sober since birth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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