That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
