There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
