maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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