I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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