Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
