I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
