i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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