i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
