I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
