I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
