Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
