I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
