You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
