After last night, I could never be a politician.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
