i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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