My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
