now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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