so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
