Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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