she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I believe in your delicious
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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