you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
