I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
