Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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