Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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