Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
