I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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