My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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