I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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