i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
what day is it and did you see me today?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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