and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
