i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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