tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
