i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
