Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
