You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
