I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
