If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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