What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
