She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
