I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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