My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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