I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
