I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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