Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
